Winning Relationships: 6 key steps to successful relationships - Ben Renshaw
Some of the brightest researchers in psychology joined forces recently with one thing on their minds – the pursuit of happiness. Nick Bayliss, a lecturer in positive psychology at Cambridge University stated, “the single, most potent and richest source of happiness is the breadth and depth of our relationships.” He went on to say, “humans are highly social and craved the comfort of knowing they were valued members of a group that could share experiences and emotions.”
In my work as a coach I find that the majority of dilemmas people face usually result in either a relationship or communication issue, which once resolved enables them to get back on track with their lives. The following are 6 ideas that you can utilise for yourself and your clients designed to make the most of your relationships.
1. I respect myself and I respect you
"It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kids in Spring Valley the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or a college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say."
Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Respect
Companies now have legal responsibilities to provide workplaces free from unfair discrimination, harassment, bullying and victimization. This also extends to employees getting together down the pub after work. It seems remarkable that treating people with respect has needed to become a legal issue at work – however once we understand the significance of mutual respect then it makes sense. Respect is at the heart of winning relationships. Without it there is no trust, people don’t listen to each other, and hidden agendas prevail. Taken to extremes there can be a breakdown in law and order as being respectful is one of the biggest unwritten rules for getting along. The following model about respect demonstrates the three positions that are held within a relationship:
I+U+ stands for I respect myself and I respect you.
Examples of respectful behaviour include listening, asking questions, being encouraging, and exhibiting open body language such as eye contact and upright posture. The types of outcomes achieved as a result of having mutual respect include a willingness to work together and go the extra mile, enjoyment, satisfaction and the ability to find win/win solutions.
I+U- stands for I respect myself more than I respect you.
This position is familiar in management systems where due to the pressure put on people there is a tendency to tell others what to do without listening or asking questions – commonly known as the JFDI school of management! The trouble with this dynamic is that although is may produce short-term results it will inevitably result in long-term feelings of resentment and lack of co-operation.
I-U+ stands for I respect myself less than I respect you.
This position is very British and is often considered polite. However the reality is that nodding heads and saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ ultimately results in feelings of grievance, low self-esteem and prevents people from fulfilling their potential.
Decide now to demonstrate mutual respect in all your relationships. It’s relatively straightforward when things are going well – but when your back is up against the wall and the pressure is on it’s possible to lose it. At these times think about the potential price you’ll pay for devaluing a relationship. Although you may get away with it in the short-term, long-term there will be a breakdown in communication, co-operation and a failure to get winning results.
2. Listen to understand
“Understanding provides the glue in a relationship. Without understanding problems and conflict are guaranteed”.
Do you listen to understand, or wait to talk? Although I’m sure we all like to claim to be great listeners there is often a gap between our intention and action. The trouble is that in today’s manic society we live at such a pace, with so little time and space that listening often goes straight out the window.
Listening to understand is a paradigm shift from listening to impart advice and experience. This illustrates a clear distinction between a mentoring and coaching style of working with people. A mentor acts as the human fortune cookie dispensing wisdom on tap. This can be extremely valuable however it may take away from empowering a person because it prevents them from drawing on their own inner wisdom.
The key to listening to understand is to keep checking in with the other person to test understanding. You can do this by playing back what you have heard to ensure that you are both on the same page. As the receiver it is immensely helpful to hear back what you have just said as it often sheds greater clarity simply having your words reflected back.
3. Resolve conflict
The next time you are in a conflict situation, or you witness a conflict, observe what happens. People tend to raise their voices, fingers are pointed, staring contests are held and cutting each other off in mid-sentence is rife. No wonder it’s difficult to gain any resolution when so many unhelpful behaviours are being exhibited!
It can be hard to change all those behaviours in the heat of the moment because you are trying to hold your ground. A simple way to begin to move forward though is to replace the use of ‘but’ and ‘however’ with ‘and’. This act has a magical effect because it demonstrates a more open willingness to build on what has been said rather than cutting it down. For instance imagine a conflict situation in which person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying but there is a shortage of resources”. Then picture the same situation with the following response, person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and this time person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying and there is a shortage of resources”. Immediately you can establish a bridge of understanding by changing one word.
4. Fill up your emotional bank account
In any relationship there exists an emotional bank account in which deposits and withdrawals are made. Deposits are behaviours such as listening, asking questions, being non-judgemental and supportive, providing constructive feedback, being encouraging and showing interest. Withdrawals on the other hand are behaviours which include blame, broken commitments, unclear boundaries and telling people what to do without seeking involvement. Once the emotional bank account becomes overdrawn we hit problems because there is no more good will to cater for the inevitable give and take necessary for a healthy relationship.
I witness this issue in all sorts of relationships. For instance I recently worked with a father who was having difficulties with his nine year old daughter. He claimed that she was being uncooperative, moody and needy. When I asked him about the deposits he had recently made in the relationship he admitted that due to working long hours and being exhausted when he got home, he had given her very little attention. Another situation involved an employee feeling resentful towards their manager. When I enquired why, it transpired that the manager had not said a single word to this employee in one week – and they only sat ten feet away from each other. All ‘communication’ was done by email. As long as a relationship has an overdrawn account problems will ensue.
Take the following relationship quiz to ensure that you fill up your emotional bank accounts:
* Who could I be listening to more?
* Who could I be spending more time with?
* Who could I be more honest with?
* Who could I be acknowledging more?
Use these questions on a regular basis to ensure that you are investing wisely.
5. Celebrate diversity
“Be careful what you label people, it may just come true!”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the entire world were just like us! We tell ourselves that relationship problems stem from differences – yet if we really lived in a world where everybody was the same it would be so dull. Where do good new ideas come from? Differences. Where does creativity come from? Differences. How does development arise? Differences.
I love the following statement about diversity from an organisation I work with who promote a diversity culture: Diversity is about respecting, valuing, caring and having a greater awareness of others. It’s about having an inclusive culture, which encourages every employee to contribute to his or her full potential. It’s about understanding and celebrating differences in culture, race, gender, disability, ethnicity, age, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, beliefs, education, experience, opinions, thinking style and class.
Naturally a learning curve is required between having diversity as a goal and achieving it but the more we focus on the benefits gained from valuing differences the easier it becomes. Think about what your life would be like without the influence of different cultures on sport, travel, food, music, literature, movies, fashion and just about anything else. Ensure that you make a point of celebrating the diversity in your world.
6. Trust
“Success is about trust. Partnership is about trust. Business is about trust. Family is about trust. Without trust what have you got? Nothing.”
Do you remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail? Mr Harrison Ford has worked hard to reach the precious treasure. Unfortunately he encounters a slight problem – a large chasm blocking his progress. He turns round to his father – who just happens to be Sean Connery (some people may think that Sean is the Holy Grail!) to ask for help. He says, ‘Dad what should I do?’ Sean replies, ‘Take a step’. As Indiana takes the step a bridge appears to carry him across. In fact the bridge was there all the time he just couldn’t see it. What was required was the trust to take the step in order to reach the treasure.
How often in your life have you been faced with a situation in which your trust was the vital ingredient to making it work? Each day we trust in so many ways that we don’t even consciously think about. We trust that our heart will continue to beat. We trust that our brains will continue to think. We trust that we will wake up in the morning. Yet if you’ve ever been let down, betrayed or rejected it often breaks down the trust we have in relationships.
Learn to trust again so that you can benefit from the richness relationships have to offer. See the best in people and you will draw it out of them. Recognise that people want to help each other so request support from others. Most importantly treat others the way you would like to be treated and you will create winning relationships.
Ben Renshaw is author of five books including Successful But Something Missing and The Secrets – 100 ways to have a great relationship. He is featured regularly in the British press and was the relationship expert for C4 programme Perfect Match.
This article was published in Spring 2004 edition of FitPro magazine, article by Ben Renshaw